therealljidol. Topic #2 is exactly how the following essay under the LJ cut appears (although I'm starting with a teaser before the cut) . I think it's some of the better writing I've done in a long while. "I'm the Most Awesome Super Cool Dude, EVER!"
Being able to look in a mirror and say “You’re great!” and just accepting it, instead of saying “You suck!” is very important. If it wasn’t for Al Franken’s Stuart Smalley, we might all just be pitiful leeches crying with no ambition or hope or future. Well, okay, maybe we are that, but we don’t have to be. I don’t have to be either. So it is now time for my own personal ego boost. The biggest, most egotistical ego boost I can give myself and then some. Ego or arrogance, when it’s to build yourself up so you can’t be knocked down, what’s the difference? So away we go….
Have I ever told you how totally, freaking awesome I am? I don’t just mean sort of cool, kind of interesting; I’m talking blown up, beyond belief cool.
It’s true, baby, I am the shiznitz . I am the shiznitz cause I use phrases like “the shiznitz”(1). I am not only “all that and piece of pie”, I’m “cooler than cool… and that is ice cold”.
I’m good looking, and I mean, good-looking. I just have one of those faces. I’m cute and sexy at the same time. My eyes are beautiful dark brown, my nose has this very distinguished look (and it’s an awesome nose because it’s been broken and/or mangled a bit(2), my lips are full and colorful, I grow an awesome beard. Did I mention my hair? My long, thich, luxurious raven hair? My pop-rock, hardcore metal, wrestling superstar hair? I just did mention it didn’t I? Well, I’ll keep mentioning it because it’s freaking awesome! You wish you had hair like mine. Woman look at my hair and they have said “I wish I had hair like yours”. My hair isn’t effeminate in the least either. It’s androgynous, sexy and strong. It’s the best hair ever, period.
I’m also extremely smart. I’m proficient in many skills. My top skill is as an entertainer. That is where I exceed the most. Put me on a stage or in front of a camera and I can make you laugh, cry, get angry, be annoyed… whatever it is the emotion I want you to feel, I can make you achieve. Annoyed is my favorite though. People think it’s easy to be annoying, but it takes a special type of skill to be annoying, but still be talented. There’s not that many people who have the skill either(3). I have it in spades. Hell, I just have IT. I also can handle a computer with finesse. I’m apt in martial arts and hand-to-hand combat(4). I’m a great dancer. I’m meticulous in organizational skills. I have an excellent phone-speaking manner. I can do research like nobodies business.
I also am knowledgeable. I have garnered more useful useless trivia than the world needs, but damn it they want it, and I got it. That makes me awesome! I can talk to you about so many things and even when I sound like I don’t know… you’ll think I know. That’s how good I am.
I know music. I love classical as much as J-pop. I can find a way to appreciate gangsta rap and deathmetal (even if I’m not a fan of either genre.) My favorite band ever is probably Jellyfish. They recorded two albums of perfect joy and as separate acts continued to produce pure magic(5). They are to music, what I am to awesome. No really. Okay, even I’m pushing things. No, No, I am not. This is about me and how freaking awesome I am. How freaking super I am. So, yes, I am awesome and Jellyfish is music.
I know comics. Yes, damn it. Comic books, those things with words and pictures. Educated pretentious nerds will call them sequential storytelling. Yes, my fellow nerds, I just called Will Eisner and Scott McCloud pretentious(6). Wanna do something about it? I’m awesome… so you can’t!
I know professional wrestling. I know it so much that I even tried my hand at it(7). It’s also in my blood still. So much in my blood that I watch everything weekly, like a heroin addict. That’s okay cause I am so awesome, I can have a monkey on my back and deal with it. Deal with that! I’m super, I have a super monkey… I don’t call him Beepo.
I know books. Literature, that stuff. I know poetry, I know sci-fi, I know bio, I know journalism, I know philosophy. Go on… quiz me. Just don’t forget… I KNOW RESEARCH. I am the Super Research Machine. I’ll find your answer and then I’ll be even smarter and cooler and more super than you.
Did I mention I’m awesome? And Super? And Cool? And Awesome? And Super?
I did! I'm Super!
(1) “the shiznitz”: that’s right I am your stuff, all your base belong to me, Jersey biatch… not that I’m from Jersey… hell, I’ve barely BEEN to Jersey. Through Jersey, sure… I’m too cool for Jersey.
(2) Once on the USS Intrepid, walking into the wall, cause I was too cool to look in front of me. In a fight back in JHS, cause I was cool like that. In a wrestling exhibition, taking a flying knee drop. My opponent somehow got a glass sliver on his kneepad and came down harder then he should.
(3) Andy Dick, David Spade, Andy Kauffman, Chris Farley, Jack Black, Adam Sandler, Scott Thompson, Andy Milonakis, Jimmy Kimmell, Conan O’Brien, my buddy Shappy Seasholtz and me are part of a very select crew. Trust me… VERY select. We are/were all geeks, nerds and the coolest m’fers on the entire freaking planet!
(4) I’ve got judo, ju-jitsu, tai chi, shotokan, boxing, professional wrestling, acrobatics, sword fighting, bo staff and stuntb work training and experience in my varied awesome background.
(5) Roger Joseph Manning’s recent solo album was probably the best thing of 2006 and the best thing of a long time. Sure plenty other bands put out great albums, but Roger’s exceeded music into magic.
(6) I’m talking about their respective books on the subject of treating comics like the master literature they are. It’s still pretentious though. Scott McCloud isn’t pretentious though, he’s a pretty nice guy, very affable. I know, I’ve met him, I’m super. Will Eisner was also very nice and cool, I know, I met him too.
(7) I really did. I had even had a special nickname from workers like Mike Tobin and TNA’s Homicide. The nickname was “Little Jack” in respect to Mick Foley and my ability to take insane bumps and want more.
