This struggle started in curve balls of polarity that I've yet to properly recover from. First my girlfriend who I thought we were headed towards something bigger eventually suddenly dumped me out of nowhere without any explanation but with a promise that it wasn't really the end, weeks later my father passed away not quite suddenly but the circumstances to it were and I never truly got to say goodbye. When I turned to said girlfriend, her support system was pretty non existent. I had to reach out to my closest friend instead for a shoulder, so that I could be a wall for my mom. The whirlwind of these two occurrences got worse as the structure at my job took a drastic change too. It made me stir crazy, it made me have bad decision making processes, in the end I lost the job not because of anything I did, but allowing myself to take the fall for someone else.
The eight years hence have not been easy. Mostly probably through fault of my own, but not without a ton of struggle and effort to find myself in a world that is lost itself. I have many blessings. I have a support system in place, a roof over my head, people who love me (sometimes), events, happenings, friends, respect of peers and colleagues, but something is missing. That missing next piece makes me feel broken a lot of the time. I put up a front that most probably think I'm dandy, but inside I'm dying; This trying to breakthrough to feel harder, better, faster, stronger makes the blood that seeps through dry up and crush my soul.
This is something that happens not frequently. Mainly cause the front also lets me delve into fictions and fun and forget about anything else. Focusing only on the happiness and good things I can just drift away and make it impossible to be depressed, because I forgot what to be depressed about.
Inevitably as I was typing this after a pretty horrible day feeling down on myself, seeing a friend hate the world for no good reason, making me hate myself more etc., the outside world came crashing through my social media. I don't mean anything related to the craziness that is the world as we know in America being crazy, ridiculous and unbearable. I started seeing posts from multiple friends of mine in the wrestling business broken because one of their own was taken down in a situation out of a cop show. Shot outside his home in the face, by masked men who seemingly were waiting in wake. The sole news article I've seen doesn't even discuss the young man's wrestling career, just him being a son, and a brother and coming home from his regular job to suddenly be gunned down. While this broke me more, it was also a jolt of wanting to live as much as the universe allows. To not be sad or depressed, but determined. To remember the good times and ignore the bad. The bad can't go away though.
See I don't need the struggle to feel alive, but I do need to get past it to find reasons to stay alive. That's the real struggle, one I face everyday. I'm not suicidal, I don't welcome death, but living is hard and rocks are easy to go under. But once under a rock, you lose track of everyone and everything else. For some that works, for me... that is death. That is struggle, feeling dead inside, wanting to be alive.
written for therealljidol Season 10-Topic 1 "I need the struggle to feel alive"