Reid Harris Cooper (lordrexfear) wrote,
Reid Harris Cooper
lordrexfear

One Day I Shall Die...

My father died I don't know when. When I say this I mean as each year passes I forget the amount. Was it five? Was it six? Maybe it was 7. I lost track at a certain point, but I've yet to honestly get over it because I spent so much time trying to brave it then accept it. What I fear more than anything though is I don't think he has either. Not till I find myself in a place better than I am in. Not till I have found that certain someone. Till I have figured out a career path where I can be successful, consistent and satisfied. I feel his ghost, his presence, but it's not strong enough to give me guidance. Much as it was in the last 5 years of his life.

It was during that time he had cancer of his kidney after years of his body failing him more and more because of Parkinson's which also brought upon scoliosis. It was also around then when I as the son became the father to my dad. While still trying to maintain a life, build a career, I felt the unasked of burden to help my mother with his care. I didn't need to do this. I could've focused clearly on me. Gotten myself out of the house, found some kind of high paying job, met a woman, gotten married, had kids. I didn't do this. I spent 25-30 in a weird place. I lived my life and tried things, but I think I personally stunted myself because succeeding would mean actually leaving. I guilted (sic) myself into feeling I had to be the one who was there for my dad instead of living life as hard I could to make up for the fact that he couldn't. I didn't waste those years. I did a lot, I accomplished a lot. Just not as much as I think I could.

At the rate I'm going I don't think I will either. I'm not resigned to it. I plan to keep striving and trying to achieve, but I feel like there's a heavy chance I'll leave this world with many regrets. I shouldn't regret anything. Life is what it is. We make our mistakes, we fail, we make critical mistakes, things we can never take back. We'll regret them forever. We can't. If we do, then that's the end of it. We regret. We never get forgiven. We never will be in some cases, but if we can forgive ourself, then maybe we can move on. Yet, deep down I feel at times I'll never break this cycle of self dread, self hate, and a feel of failing. One that I set myself up for and one I can change and even when I change will find a way to destroy. It's my nature. It's what I think what my dad was trying to tell me on his death bed when he told me to not make his mistakes. He was just as destructive to himself.

Even before the Parkinson's I think he sought to destroy things without meaning to. He was in an 8 year mentally & I think physically abusive relationship with an alcoholic before he met my mother. I think it was not much longer before. I don't know exactly. It may have been before he moved down South for awhile at a job that didn't last or maybe it was an on again off again and the last time is when he moved to California for a couple months only to come back to NYC. He got a bit luckier than me though. He met my mom. He fell in love. They actually truly enjoyed each other. My mom's relationship history was pretty shaky too. Two annulled marriages, one divorce. I think in her case her biggest regret will be me. Not having me. Just me not living to my full potential.

As I wake up every day I sometimes I think it could easily be my last day. It worries me that my legacy won't be as grand as I hoped. Then I remember all the amazing things I have done. All the amazing things I will do. All the regrets I need to not have because I'm going to get many more. Especially if I achieve the things I want. Love, children, successful career. Those will bring a whole new slew of problems. If/when I get to them I'll at least probably released my father's regrets for his spirit to soar and definitely my mother's, hopefully while she is still in mortal coil to experience it.

ADDENDUM: To detail just the hell of life. Pursuit of greatness. Having no regrets when you die. Being stressed to no end. Wishing you were dead, but knowing living is the best death. Yesterday after resisting for weeks cause I had a bad feeling I allowed the wiring people to come into our apartment to do repairs demanded by the landlords. Hours later there are holes everywhere, covered by masking tape, they didn't clean up fully, they have to come back and make MORE holes before they can patch them. On top of that, they make gouging holes, including on the very expensive irreplaceable, unfixable stucco in my kitchen. Finally, my WiFi router got shorted out when they turned off the power without a warning shot, so I was without internet for the entire day. I after various testing and tries had to go out in the pouring rain to make sure it was definitely dead and if so purchase a new one. The stores for this are not close. Staples is 3/4ths of a mile, but they didn't have what I needed in stock at reasonable price/quality. So off to Best Buy/Target another mile away... the rain even harder now. The router was completely fried, so a new one was bought and the two mile walk back home was made (resisting Brownies and then White Castle, because once again regrets vs. regrets). The receipt is going to my landlord. I'm back on the Internet. You are reading this. I am full of regret. I will not let that regret follow me to the death.

written and recorded fortherealljidol Friends and Rivals Mini-Season Topic 17-“Deathbed Regrets"
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 16 comments