|Thursday, January 12th, 2017|
9:58 pm - To Fear Is To Love A Broken Heart That Can Be Mended Still
I fear that I don't know what love is|
love is the fear of what is not
inside all our souls beats the unknown
masks are worn to hide scars
not cloth, but emotions over emotions
imagined walls unbreakable
doors with locks that can not be picked
we shield ourselves from it
till it embraces us so powerful that
it overtakes us.
love into the heart
yet till it happens fear subsists
fear that may stop love
but nothing stops it
My love life has been top-turvy. It has had its highs and it has had its low. It has had more highs than lows. Because when I reach that high, I'm never coming down. Not ever. No fear will be left in me. I will just be a ballast at the top of a mountain. My flag planted forever. Rocks pelted, heavy gusts of wind... avalanches. I'll bear it all.
Till then. I stand here at the bottom. Not afraid to climb the mountain, just afraid there's no one to climb it for right now.
written for the therealljidol Season 10-Topic 5: Fear is the Heart of Love
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|Friday, December 30th, 2016|
11:19 am - Plasma Gelato
I am many things, but on the top 10 of that list is adventurer/risk taker/scavenger or to put it more bluntly urban explorer. More then once these experiences could make my blood cold so cold you could call it hemoglobin sorbet. |
I'll keep this one short and sweet as it has many details and can be retold so many ways and I shall for the rest of damn life. The Freedom Tunnel is a section of a train track that runs from Grand Central Station all the way out to Philly and Boston. It is so named because of the graffiti and fine artist Christopher "Freedom" Pape who created the most famous pieces on the walls creating art museum quality murals. Most notably one with a comic strip panel of Dick Tracy taking out a gangster calling him a mole. It was a small but deep comment on the raid on the tunnels by cops evacuating many homeless who had no shelter system to actually turn to. They were known as the mole people. On one of my visits I/we had noticed some had made their return and even found ways to truly make the space livable for one who truly had nowhere else to go.
There is a serious danger to walking this tunnel as breathtaking as it is. The Acela Express, a train that goes super fast and makes no noise till it's right near you runs through it. On an occasion we were walking a very narrow path, if the train had come then we'd be goners. On another the train zoomed by mere seconds after we had walked off the track to lower ground. Cops also walk around and if you're caught, there's very little fun in talking your way out of it. No more then back when we were triptraising around for education, photography and fun, but still. I got my foot stuck once on the tracks and it was lots of fun unearthing it in time. That was one time where I got super lucky but you never know. Which is part of the fun, danger makes it all the much more exciting.
Then there's also the time I saw a ghost when up in the abandoned farm colony but that's another story for another time.
For my personal photos from various trips to the Freedom Tunnel I direct you here:
written for the therealljidol Season 10-Break Week Topic: Possum ran over my grave
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|Thursday, December 29th, 2016|
5:30 pm - Loneliness is Tasty
I've struggled with weight essentially my entire life. I like food. I like food even more when life is kicking my ass. When nothing is going right I tend to gobble chocolate. When it's cold outside and I'm unmotivated to do anything I make it even worse by choosing to eat comfort food. Fried chicken, ribs, you name it and I'm eating it. |
The scale lies though. This I can tell you. I can't use a scale to tell me if I'm fat. I can weight 245 and be fat or thin because of my muscle mass. That's besides the point though. I eat, I eat too much and when I try to go healthy it only seems to last for as long as I see results. Those results don't last. I'm not looking for results in such as actually being thinner or healthier. I'm hoping by being healthier and leaner it'll lead to the things the world says those things achieve. Finding money, love, happiness. Thin or fat it doesn't seem to make a difference in my experience though. Although it stands to reason that when I am getting things like money or love I tend to eat healthier because I don't have the time or inclination to find that stuff in brownies, truffles, cheese, more cheese and also cheese. By the way, did I mention cheese?
During the winter it gets even harder. I suffer seasonal depression. I want to move around but if I'm out of work, single, or whatever I don't get that get up and go attitude. Then I want something super tasty because it'll maybe make me happy for a second. Then I'm not happy so I want something else and before you know it I've eaten a box a truffles.
I've tried to mentally break myself of these habits, but they're just harder and harder or easier and easier. Take your pick, no matter the choice, you're getting me. Which is all I really want, for some to choose me.
written for the therealljidol Season 10-Break Week Topic: Kummerspeck
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|Saturday, December 24th, 2016|
8:21 pm - You, Me, Other
Staring death in the face|
Just need something to kill the pain
I feel the lightness inside my brain
Round about the corner
never feel the chill
Monsters gonna rumble
I feel the thrill
I'm looking right in your eyes
I know this isn't the time
For what ever shall you believe
when you start to try to deceive
Running with the pack
Can't no, can't have no slack
Slip some back
As I drink from the flask
We are all survivors
in this game of change
we all feel the same
When the night is the over
and the sun comes up
we'll begin again
till we can't get enough
Again and again and again
Staring death in the face
We're too dumb to know
when we're brave
We're too brave to know
when we're dead
Wake up sweating
for another30 days
written for therealljidol Season 10: Break Week: Sang-Froid
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|Thursday, December 22nd, 2016|
1:30 pm - Rules Were Meant To Be Broken
Born into a family of losers, |
but in a society of nobodies what did this truly mean?
Faced against the barriers of strife she would study the ancient tomes
Learn the magical arts of hue, shadows, anatomy
The brush as it hit canvas would build immeasurable images of fantasy
Yet no one could ever known her talent
Outside these four walls she would walk hidden, a slave to the grind
To even consider expressing a skill not seen amongst a single peer
One did not welcome Death simply to be recognized
Hidden deep in the stalls with the horses
the worlds built by color and imagination would sit and fester
unsigned, the lament would bring pain
every night at the manor they would all drink
one evening she spilled her mead on the table
and started making circles with her fingers
even this frowned upon
How dare she show a slightest fragment of ability higher than anyone else?
Sent out in the village with nary the clothes on her back
Locked out from the walls that held her family and her creation prisoner
At night she climbed precariously
and with rock and blood and excrement she created her final masterpiece
one that no one would ever be able to deny
signed deep on the walls of the village
Her name, her work, her final marker
They could as a society ignore it
but the legacy would last forever
One day the walls enemies would break through and come crashing
the sheep would be eaten by the wolves
just as her painting revealed
written for the therealljidol Season 10-Break Week Topic: Jantelagen
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|Thursday, December 15th, 2016|
1:12 am - Three Strikes You're Out!
Everything I know about pitching, hitting, running, stealing base, fast balls, curve balls, intentional walks, brushbacks, homeruns, sliding, slipping, tripping, I know because I watch movies. I've been to one single baseball game in my life. I didn't pay attention. I was bored out of my skull. I never paid attention when it was on television. Yet, that doesn't mean I don't have my favorite players or my favorite teams. Okay I have four favorite teams... the Cleveland Indians (1), the Durham Bulls (2), the Hackensack Bulls (3) and the New York Knights (4). I hate the Chicago Cubs because they let a little kid play for them... a little kid (5). I mean Sam Malone (6) is great and all, so the Boston Red Sox (making it five) too but I think his bar is way better than anything he ever did in baseball. |
If it wasn't for the motion pictures I might not even have ever heard of the game called a national pastime that has so much regulation, confounding rules and metaphors for life. I probably would still though. It's almost nigh impossible to miss. Catcher in the Rye (7), Shoeless Joe (8), even Michael Chabon's Summerland (9). You can't escape baseball. No matter where you turn. I mean even The Warriors with The Furies (10). Turn to professional wrestling and there was Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz (11). The Baseball Swing is even a wrestling move and "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels' named his super kick "Sweet Chin Music" (12) because it knocks you back and usually out and if not out, distracted for a second which would lead to a strike and like in baseball... a 3rd count and you are out.
Let's say you don't watch movies, or read books, or watch wrestling though. You can't away cause it's all over music. John Fogerty's "Centerfold" (13), Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days" (14), Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (15). You just can't escape.
Oh you just watch TV? What do you think Negan's Lucille(16) is? It's a "baseball bat" and all Negan is ever doing is throwing metaphroical brushback pitches till he throws that curveball. You read the newspaper but skip the sports section? Baseball players are so famous they make the front page! You only read comics strips? Charles Schultz did multiple baseball stories in Peanuts (17)... Good Grief (he also did a baseball comic strip at one point).
and don't get me started on the internaionally famous poem turned Children's story "Casey at the Bat" (18)(19)(20).
1. Major League http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097815/
2. Bull Durham http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094812/
3. Brewster's Millions http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088850/
4. The Natural http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087781/
5. Rookie of the Year http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107985/
6. Cheers http://www.cbs.com/shows/cheers/
written for therealljidolSeason 10-Topic 3: Brushback Pitch
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|Wednesday, November 30th, 2016|
4:17 pm - Friendship isn't just a word, or a concept... it's so much more.
I didn't discover what it meant to actually truly have a best friend till college. That is not to say I was friendless growing up. Also in perspective stating that may be considered inaccurate. What would be more proper is I didn't fully understand brotherhood and forever unbreakable bonds. Having that person in your life that it would truly take major situations to end it and having those situations occur and it still not ending. That person? That person in your life is special. Yet for me to properly explain Nicholas Vincent Isabella the III, the only person I can truly call brother, best friend, confidant for life and have it stick... a history lesson must first take place. I promise I'll try to keep it short, sweet, to the point, I doubt it will be; but you really must learn of my friends before and a few of my friends after Nick entered my life to really grasp it (by it, I mean us, and even then, you might not).|
My first real best friend who made an impact as my memory serves would be Clark Kent. He was older but only by a few years, so he was also essentially my baby sitter, but he was truly so much more, for a short time he was definitely family and if life didn't go the way it did as life tends to he might still be a major part of mine. We wrote plays together, went to Orlando together, he had dinner and hung out overnight even when my parents came home. I have fond memories of our time, but the age difference was five years and as we grew older that just became a bit strained as he moved on to more adult things while I was still growing. We've bumped into each other a few times in adulthood but it just didn't stick.
My next bestie was Adam K. and that was quite a shaky friendship to say the least. We were very bad together. Smoking, shoplifting, all that bad stuff. He also stole two of my girlfriends and we got in a fist fight and I once planned to murder him. Yet somehow in the end we actually stuck it out even as we were in different schools. When I transferred to City-As-School in my late teens, Arthur followed. Not at my request or anything, just following my lead. He was at least a year or so behind me in school from being left back though so once I graduated, I'd see him in the neighborhood but we just drifted apart. During the time of Arthur I was also friends with Marty Perez, a next door neighbor who I'd known since elementary school. We also had been through our share of fist fights. Marty was a weird kid. I'm talking weird. He was a peeping tom, his girlfriend when he was a teen was a girl with down syndrome who he took advantage of. It's complicated. He was not my best friend, but he was the friend I ended up spending a lot of time with. There were a lot of other friends and time was spent with them such as Ronald, Clifton, Kwame, and plenty others, but in terms of building bricks there we are.
Then there was Jefferson Caulder. Between around 16-19 he was my go to friend. He was one year older or maybe it was two. He took me to bars, strip clubs, told me crazy stories. We went to lots of movies. Had some crazy late nights. He actually helped me grow as a person, but simply in a way that once I was out of his shadow and was able to alpha dog a situation he pulled out of the friendship. Nick was there for this experience. Nick had replaced Jefferson during the time that friendship fell apart. Nick being part of it is a cement to what we are to each other.
Nick and I met freshmen year of college. The first day actually. We didn't become serious friends till sophomore year though. Years later though he told me he knew from day one at some point me and him would be boys. He just sensed it, not that at the time he understood it. At the time Nick wasn't ready to be my friend. He was shy, aloof and hadn't experienced life the way I had. He hadn't done drugs, he'd never kissed a girl, he hadn't really traveled or had crazy experiences. He was just an intelligent man who knew he wanted more from the world. For the record, I had done all the things he hadn't. Maybe not as much as many others. I wasn't cool but I was collected. I had hung out with famous people since I was a youth. I had taken an entire year off between high school and college in which I worked on film sets and took college courses for fun which guided me to the college I chose to matriculate in.
When I started at college the only friend I had truly was Jefferson. That would change quickly. The entire college would become my friend and I definitely had a crew I hung out with. Josh, Stu, Doug, Ben, Amy, Molly, etc. etc. We were all theater folk and would have parties, go to bars, get wasted, get stoned, make songs, it was seriously good times and I was friends with these folks for all four years. I stayed in touch with some of them for awhile as well. New folks would drift in too Nate, Nina, David, Daria, and a slew of them I have a connection with still. Not friendship but in the broadest sense of that word in our modern era where everyone you know even if you see them once a year is your friend. Some of them very successful as well. Noted musicians, playwrights, children's authors and more.
In all this though Nick walked in directly. It started when me and my friend Matt planned to put together a zine. I had lined up stories, other writers, artwork, a name, a concept, money to publish and even a printer (the husband of a long time friend who it goes BEYOND friendship that it'd be an entirely different essay, but I consider her my sister even with her and her family on the other side of the world now, she will always be my sister and in an essay about best friends she as much as Nick tops the list and Nick knows her, but like I said, it'd be an entirely different essay). Albeit all I had set up, Matt pulled out of the project. We remained friends, but I was determined to do this. So I put out an ad throughout the school and Nick answered the call. From it our friendship went from two guys who had been in classes together, to two guys hanging out on weekends hashing out stories, designing a magazine and becoming a tight unit. This bond itself actually could never really be explained. Nick and I share very little in common and yet everything in common. He has no interest in comics, wrestling, or usually the kind of video games I enjoy. We've read many of the same books, yet equally many more different books. I was built on Heinlein, Adams, Le Guin, Kerouac. I don't recall who he was weened on, but it was not those authors. We were raised very differently in very different family environments. Yet, there's this bond of connectiveness (sic). This strand, this universal pull.
Since Nick came into my life I've had plenty new friends enter it. Some more important than others. But all part of a major thing. For a short while my friend Rich Watson became a very close comrade. I'd actually known him before Nick. Going back to maybe when I was 16. He was an indie comics artist who I'd built a kinship with. I actually have a share of those. There's an entire crew of cartoonists I've known since I was a teen who I have grand friendships with but we don't hang out. Dean Haspiel, Josh Neufeld, Nick Bertozzi, Rick Parker, just to name a few. Yet if something happened in my life where I was in desperate need of a hand I think I could rely on them. I could also rely on Rich. I'm not sure what caused us to have a rift even. One day we just stopped hanging out all the time. Because of life Nick wasn't always available, still isn't so I always tried to have more friends. Rich also shared my love of comics and film, so it made talking really easy.
While the focus of this is about that one friend, it's Nick, I begin to feel remiss of not naming numerous other friends I've had through the years. Including my friends I've made on Livejournal or through LJ Idol or through various services. People I've known since I was 17, 18, 19, 20. Many of them people still in my life, but they live elsewhere. People I've met along the road of comic cons, wrestling shows, people I know have my back. There's my friend Alex who I became close with when I was 16 and helped me find new comics shops and we'd hang out frequently and then like some friendships do, we drifted but are still in touch. Then there's all the friends I made about 10 years ago through the street art scene. People who seriously matter the world to me. I mean the world. A world where I lost one of those friends tragically two years ago. Pete was the best. There's Becky, Royce Bannon, Matt Siren, Chris RWK, Anthony, Ski, 2Esae, Luna, Natasha, Gigi, Garrison, Alison, Dylan, Joe... the list goes on and on. Serious friends who I know care about me. There's my friends from wrestling chat rooms, most especially Mike Langan, who I've worked alongside, been to Florida with, lost touch with and through a wrestling company that has provided me many more friends, got acquainted again. There's my poetry slam world where I got friends like Taylor Mali, Cristin O'Kee Aptowicz, Shappy and countless others. Then there's my alternative entertainment other world where I made friends like Hi Christina among so many others. Which brings me to Dave.
Other then Nick, David's been my BOY. Yet it's been a strenuous relationship these last seven or eight years. David and I have had a wild ride too. Not as wild as my ride with Nick, but quite wild. David is complicated though... it makes for a very difficult friendship. When it's great it's great, but when it's horrible? It's the downright pits and it hurts to be his friend cause I care so much about him but I can't help when he's drowning no matter how hard I try. If he drowned less, David would be a bro for life, but as it is now. We're friends, true serious friends, but I don't know to what extent. Dave's going through a very rough time right now, a situation that I am lost in knowing how to react to. It's something I've never had to encounter before so it's completely foreign and there's no right or wrong way to handle it. The fact that I don't know speaks volumes to the fact that I care.
Which brings me back to Nicholas Vincent Isabella the III. The person I could hash this out with rationally with proper care, concern, evaluation, etc. The man who since college has truly been that one friend. That one dude. Multiple girlfriends from hell on both our ends, a marriage from hell planet on his end, multiple jobs for both of us including more projects together and me helping him set up a business and him helping to get me gigs and vice versa. We've taken multiple road trips, gone underground, climbed abandoned buildings, saved each other's lives, traveled to outerspace together. I've been his best man twice. This second time is working out great. I love his wife and think of her as a sister in law.
Nick is the one person I can also talk to about not just Dave but all these other friends. He's my therapist and even though he has his wife, I'm equally his. I'm his lawyer also, and his tax man. He's my doctor and a sounding board and someone who believes in my talents as a creator. He's that one friend that I think whenever my time comes will be there (hopefully a significant other as well).
Even if he won't be there this year when I turn 39, but my birthday is also on the 23rd of December and if he can get away he should. If I could get away so would I. The only thing is I would go somewhere totally different, yet we'd text each other every other day to make sure everything was alright. That's just the way it is.
(I feel like I'm missing a name. I'm sure I am. I mean I didn't even discuss certain people who are completely out of my life now who had a major impact while they were there. Some better off forgotten, but not truly, because to forget would to repeat mistakes. Nick knows about mistakes, I know his... and we forgive them, it's also why he's that one friend.)
written for therealljidol Season 10-Topic 2: "That One Friend"
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|Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016|
8:31 pm - [LJ Idol Season 10] Top 1: Struggling
For the last eight years or so I've basically been on a struggle line when it comes to my work, love, career. It doesn't make me feel alive, it makes me feel dead inside. What keeps me alive is knowing, hoping, believing that some day the struggle, at least this struggle will end and the new one will begin.|
This struggle started in curve balls of polarity that I've yet to properly recover from. First my girlfriend who I thought we were headed towards something bigger eventually suddenly dumped me out of nowhere without any explanation but with a promise that it wasn't really the end, weeks later my father passed away not quite suddenly but the circumstances to it were and I never truly got to say goodbye. When I turned to said girlfriend, her support system was pretty non existent. I had to reach out to my closest friend instead for a shoulder, so that I could be a wall for my mom. The whirlwind of these two occurrences got worse as the structure at my job took a drastic change too. It made me stir crazy, it made me have bad decision making processes, in the end I lost the job not because of anything I did, but allowing myself to take the fall for someone else.
The eight years hence have not been easy. Mostly probably through fault of my own, but not without a ton of struggle and effort to find myself in a world that is lost itself. I have many blessings. I have a support system in place, a roof over my head, people who love me (sometimes), events, happenings, friends, respect of peers and colleagues, but something is missing. That missing next piece makes me feel broken a lot of the time. I put up a front that most probably think I'm dandy, but inside I'm dying; This trying to breakthrough to feel harder, better, faster, stronger makes the blood that seeps through dry up and crush my soul.
This is something that happens not frequently. Mainly cause the front also lets me delve into fictions and fun and forget about anything else. Focusing only on the happiness and good things I can just drift away and make it impossible to be depressed, because I forgot what to be depressed about.
Inevitably as I was typing this after a pretty horrible day feeling down on myself, seeing a friend hate the world for no good reason, making me hate myself more etc., the outside world came crashing through my social media. I don't mean anything related to the craziness that is the world as we know in America being crazy, ridiculous and unbearable. I started seeing posts from multiple friends of mine in the wrestling business broken because one of their own was taken down in a situation out of a cop show. Shot outside his home in the face, by masked men who seemingly were waiting in wake. The sole news article I've seen doesn't even discuss the young man's wrestling career, just him being a son, and a brother and coming home from his regular job to suddenly be gunned down. While this broke me more, it was also a jolt of wanting to live as much as the universe allows. To not be sad or depressed, but determined. To remember the good times and ignore the bad. The bad can't go away though.
See I don't need the struggle to feel alive, but I do need to get past it to find reasons to stay alive. That's the real struggle, one I face everyday. I'm not suicidal, I don't welcome death, but living is hard and rocks are easy to go under. But once under a rock, you lose track of everyone and everything else. For some that works, for me... that is death. That is struggle, feeling dead inside, wanting to be alive.
written for therealljidol Season 10-Topic 1 "I need the struggle to feel alive"
(27 comments | comment on this)
|Wednesday, November 9th, 2016|
10:30 pm - Stars Shining Bright Above You
I had this idea of doing top 10 lists to introduce myself but the problem with those is they're never accurate or they're always changing. Sometimes minute to minute. Such as I'll say the top 5 bands I love but then realize five more and have total difficulty stating which is actually in the top five or which are the top 10. Then while I'm doing THAT 10 more will pop up. I considered it for writers, video games, TV shows, etc., etc., etc. |
There's one thing I can definitely state for a fact. Something that seems to never change. My favorite movie. Even as I rewatch films I love and love them more. As I discover movies I've never seen. As I see new movies. As my opinions change on what makes a movie/film better or worse... the favorite never wavers. Why is not something I can pinpoint. I can't clarify the reason it stays on that FAVORITE but it doesn't move from it's number one spot.
The film is 1989's Dream A Little Dream. It's a Two Corey's flick (as in Feldman & Haim, the Lost Boys with a License to Drive). More importantly though it also stars Jason Robards and Piper Laurie, two of the finest actors of screen there ever were. They aren't just minor characters either, they're the proponent of the entire film. Without them there is no film. Unfortunately to explain the film I'll have no choice but to spoil a bit of it. Robards' character is a expert in REM therapy, focusing on lucid dreaming and tantric meditation to reach a higher being. His wife Laurie is a lovely, intelligent woman who reluctantly goes along with his concepts. One night after ensuing escalations of fights and teenage drama, Feldman and Meredith Salenger (the girl Corey crushes on) have a crashing altercation with the older couple while they are the middle of a meditation session on their lawn; literally, they crash into each other and the couple coming from opposite directions. This causes a strange occurrence in which Feldman and Robards switch places... but not exactly. Robards mind ends up in Feldman's body, Feldman's mind gets stuck in the dream and Robard's body disappears. What follows is a combination of true intense drama, some silly comedy, a lot of unusual dream stuff and a top notch soundtrack. It also has Salenger in a leotard and she was what some would consider the wet dream body of any red blooded young man in the 80s who appreciated the female figure. It also features Feldman lypsnching to Michael Damian while dancing like Michael Jackson. You're probably thinking to yourself right now..."This is his favorite movie? Who the hell is this guy?"
If you are, that's fine and dandy. I just care if you want to know more. The nitty gritty short answers are as follows though.
38 (turn 39 on December 23). Single, unfortunately (or fortunately) never married. Currently unemployed. Do lots of work though including professional acting, marketing and odd jobs. New York City, born and bred. Identify as bi-sexual. Work (and by work I mean actually paid to do) history in no particular order: actor, singer, photographer, chef, graphic designer, administrative assistant, office manager, computer tech, software tech, customer service, retail sales, construction, illustration, master of ceremonies, script doctor, writer, journalist, broadcaster.
And now even though I said I wouldn't... some top 10 lists.
Favorite Musical Artists All Genres
2. Bon Jovi
3. Manic Street Preachers
5. David Bowie
6. Cyndi Lauper
7. Boy George
8. Big Star
10. Marty Stuart
Favorite Television Cartoons
1. Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears
2. Spectacular Spider-Man
3. The Venture Bros.
4. Adventure Time
5. Teen Titans
6. Muppet Babies
7. Home Movies
10. Batman: The Animated Series
Favorite Horror Films
2. Idle Hands
3. Bad Dreams
4. Halloween 3: Season of The Witch
6. Return of the Living Dead
7. The Lost Boys
8. Dead & Buried
9. From Dusk till Dawn
10. The Frighteners
And there you have it. Just a bit of me. Or it is. Is what I like who I am? Is who I am actually who I am? Am I even a make up of what makes me up? Well, I guess we'll have to see won't we? I guess we will Wilbur, I guess we will. Don't worry, Wilbur is just a horse I fed some peanut butter to and now his mouth keeps moving and he doesn't exist. Well, he does, but only on television.
I'm losing my mind. I found it. It's gone again. Where is my mind? Way out in the water.
written for therealljidol Season 10: Top Zero: Intro
(26 comments | comment on this)
|Tuesday, November 1st, 2016|
12:02 am - As I'll be posting here a lot more, may as well get rude & controversial.
It is now November on the east coast of the USA. If you go by that calendar. It is therefore 28 days till the next big celebration this country prides itself on. The one where a bunch of archaic highly religious folks stamped out quality humans before we realized that is not what makes a country great. Remember that in the coming days. There are people who think THAT is what America is and what America must be again... a bunch of unintelligent people who place more faith in a book they don't actually understand because they can't read the language it was originally written in so they believe what they're told who think only they belong here. We just finished a holiday that is celebrated by eating candy and hiding behind silly costumes because it is the only time many of us allow ourselves to be different. This is where we are. This is not where we should be. Remember that... (this was a socio-politico-everything rant).
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|Monday, October 31st, 2016|
10:48 pm - LJ Idol Season 10? (sure... I have enough disdain for myself)
Oh look here.|
I'm on Livejournal. I'm writing on this website.
I'm noticing I should maybe make new icons.
Also, I am going to do LJ Idol again. Yes... again.
I shall probably fail at the social end of it. With the world of FB/Twitter/IG, etc., etc. and the millions of TV shows and comics and video games I enjoy while also trying to create arts and live a pathetic experience, just trying to tackle the writing probably will be hard.
I'll probably attack subjects more "honestly" then ever... or maybe I'll lie my ass off.
I'm doing this for Gary and anyone else who cares, I sure as hell don't. I don't care about much these days though. I care about way too much.
(4 comments | comment on this)
|Wednesday, April 20th, 2016|
5:46 pm - Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler on 4:20
The Waldos, Dead Heads and Nazis were the same anyway. Idiots with idiotic goals blindly going towards idiotic ends.
Trust me on this I'm right.
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|Friday, April 15th, 2016|
1:09 am - Sax and Violins
Appreciation for the band known as Limp Bizkit is not something one would see very often. Especially not from me. Knowing I like them might actually come as a shock to you even. The band has been disregarded by many and I think it breaks down to that they think they're just some loud crappy band who sing about two things, getting some and beating people up or as it's known the world over Sex and Violence. Yet the truth is? Almost every band of all time has only ever written about two things, sex and violence. Sometimes they write about drugs, sometimes about love, sometimes about depression or life or fame, but in the end it's all about sex and violence. Every rock band. Name a rock band, name a pop group, a pop singer, all the songs have something about sex and violence because they go hand in hand. |
That isn't just in music though. Look at everything. Movies, TV, Video Games, all of them have some kind of element of both sex and violence. Even the family friendly or PG shows. Even the G shows. Turn on Nickelodeon, turn on Disney. At any time during the day. It doesn't matter, whatever is on will have elements. Even the little kids shows. Sure not heavily but there will be some character with "sex appeal" and there will some slapstick, trip, something to do with violence and sometimes... they'll be the same part of the show. It's just the way of the world. It's what we know. Even when wrestling tries to be family friendly, how can it truly be so? It is men and/or women in clothing which accentuate parts of the body causing some kind of erotic derision and these people are hitting each other. Boom, sex and violence. It's everywhere. You can't escape it. Even when two ice creams, a 100 year old british gentleman and a princess fight three monsters and a savage with humor involved there's plentyof sex and violence.
You can't even escape with Muppets. That show actually had its second pilot developed under the title of Sex and Violence. That was Jim Henson's original pitch. A fully adult program with puppets. Now the show itself didn't have much of either, it's the title! The material definitely had plenty of sex and violence also though. Awkward sex and violence at that since it's puppets who once in awhile interact with people. The first pilot was just a concept of what the final program that eventually got accepted into production was but way more adult then that Muppets got (and Muppets got adult). It starred Mia Farrow.
There's also that second pilot like I said which was also really weird and strange. If you've ever seen the Henson sketches on SNL then you know how weird he got. That was the drugs though, so see? Sex and Violence and sometimes drugs.
By now you think I've forgotten about Limp Bizkit with all this tangential speak of sex and violence. You'd be wrong. Very wrong. Limp Bizkit is a collective of some seriously talented musicians. Drummer John Otto was classically trained, he even has taught drums through Star Education and his flow as a rapper is so good Bizkit could have him at the lead, but it would be a very different group.
Durst and John's sensibilities converging are a stronger production IMHO. Otto is a good enough drummer that he's been part of straight up rock album projects as well though.
Bassist Sam Rivers is just a constant who's lines are pure and strong, which have had Marilyn Manson among others requested him to play on tracks. DJ Lethal, the turntablist and as much a part of the sound as everyone became famous as a member House of Pain. He's since left Bizkit but he has a legacy simply for being part of a song anyone from the 90s or anyone who's ever been to a bar or maybe just lived life knows.
Lead guitarist Wes Borland is my personal favorite, from his fashion choices to just his intensity. When he left LB temporarily and then returned and then the band hiatused (sic) again he became part of two projects in those times that showed how his pure rock sensibilities add a backbone to Bizkit that would be missing without him as the others are definitely more hip-hop. BigDumbface was a project he did his brother and gave birth to the video Duke Lion.
Following that he founded a much more serious group called Black Light Burns that showed how absolutely brilliant he can be. Now of course I'm not saying you'll love him, but I do and in two videos he really speaks to Sex and Violence. "Lie" off their first studio album "Cruel Melody"
and "How To Look Naked" off their second, which is also a bit of a mini movie.
Still laying down the framework for liking Limp Bizkit is hard. Admittedly this is still the group who did "Nookie", "Rolling", and "Break Stuff" (all songs I happen to love but the songs that I think gave them disdain). Now if you just can't stand any hip-hop you'll never appreciate what Durst, Rivers, Lethal, Otto and Borland have created for years, but keep an open mind, an open ear and let you realize negativity breeds positivity at times and in this deep dark world it breaks down to the basest desires and you might just find yourself needs some Sect and Vylance....Syxx and Vilince... Ceks and Vileance. Anyway you spell it, it's still the same.
Here's Limp Bizkit at their best... not a lot of sex, a little violence, a lot of truth.
written and recorded fortherealljidol Friends and Rivals Mini-Season Topic 18 (or is it 19)-“John Otto"
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|Tuesday, April 12th, 2016|
4:19 pm - Swap Meet Stuff
It was Swap Meet day on Sunday. I made out amazingly well. Back in the day when I was more active in LJ and also would go to used stores and spend more money than I should I used to make lists like this all the time. Go look if you care. |
Anyways here's what I got (for the great price of 0/ZERO) and I got a lot, some of it fairly expensive stuff too.
BOOKS (novels, YA, graphic novels, autobio, childrens):
The Tipping Point, Outliers-The Story of Success and What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell
How It Ended by Jay McInery
Americana by Ray Davies (of the Kinks)
The Calder Game by Blue Balliett (illustrated by Brett Helquist)
The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling
The Savage Land by Chris Claremont (art by Michael Golden, Dave Cockrum & Bob McLeod)
The Woods Vol.1: The Arrow by James Tynion IV & Michael Dialynas
G.I. Joe Special Missions by Larry Hama (art by Herb Trimpe)
The Daily Show with John Stewart Presents AMERICA (The Book)
Kane Chronicles: The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordan
Les Enfants Terribles by Jean Cocteau
The Dangerous Animals Club by Stephen Toblowsky (actor memoir)
A Highley Unlikely Hero Or, A Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide To Saving The World by Rachel Cantor
Abandon The Old In Tokyo by Yoshiro Tatsumi
Cradle and All by James Patterson
Substitute Creacher by Chris Gall
Erec Rex (Books 1-4) by Kaza Kingsley
Jedi Academy by Jeffrey Brown
The Death Cure (Maze Runner 3) by James Dashner
Monster by Walter Dean Meyers
The Brain-Dead Megaphone by George Saunders
Inkdeath by Cornelia Funke
It's Always Something by Gilda Radner
A pocketbook Beatles songbook
The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok
off the record: Songwriters on Songwriting by Graham Nash
Goo Goo Dolls, Don Henley, Ugly Kid Joe, Eric Clapton, frau frau, The Cure (3 albums), Jon Bon Jovi, Sammy Hagar, one-t, Billy Idol, and Tom Petty.
Also got season 1-3 of WEEDS on Showtime
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|Friday, April 8th, 2016|
1:19 pm - One Day I Shall Die...
My father died I don't know when. When I say this I mean as each year passes I forget the amount. Was it five? Was it six? Maybe it was 7. I lost track at a certain point, but I've yet to honestly get over it because I spent so much time trying to brave it then accept it. What I fear more than anything though is I don't think he has either. Not till I find myself in a place better than I am in. Not till I have found that certain someone. Till I have figured out a career path where I can be successful, consistent and satisfied. I feel his ghost, his presence, but it's not strong enough to give me guidance. Much as it was in the last 5 years of his life. |
It was during that time he had cancer of his kidney after years of his body failing him more and more because of Parkinson's which also brought upon scoliosis. It was also around then when I as the son became the father to my dad. While still trying to maintain a life, build a career, I felt the unasked of burden to help my mother with his care. I didn't need to do this. I could've focused clearly on me. Gotten myself out of the house, found some kind of high paying job, met a woman, gotten married, had kids. I didn't do this. I spent 25-30 in a weird place. I lived my life and tried things, but I think I personally stunted myself because succeeding would mean actually leaving. I guilted (sic) myself into feeling I had to be the one who was there for my dad instead of living life as hard I could to make up for the fact that he couldn't. I didn't waste those years. I did a lot, I accomplished a lot. Just not as much as I think I could.
At the rate I'm going I don't think I will either. I'm not resigned to it. I plan to keep striving and trying to achieve, but I feel like there's a heavy chance I'll leave this world with many regrets. I shouldn't regret anything. Life is what it is. We make our mistakes, we fail, we make critical mistakes, things we can never take back. We'll regret them forever. We can't. If we do, then that's the end of it. We regret. We never get forgiven. We never will be in some cases, but if we can forgive ourself, then maybe we can move on. Yet, deep down I feel at times I'll never break this cycle of self dread, self hate, and a feel of failing. One that I set myself up for and one I can change and even when I change will find a way to destroy. It's my nature. It's what I think what my dad was trying to tell me on his death bed when he told me to not make his mistakes. He was just as destructive to himself.
Even before the Parkinson's I think he sought to destroy things without meaning to. He was in an 8 year mentally & I think physically abusive relationship with an alcoholic before he met my mother. I think it was not much longer before. I don't know exactly. It may have been before he moved down South for awhile at a job that didn't last or maybe it was an on again off again and the last time is when he moved to California for a couple months only to come back to NYC. He got a bit luckier than me though. He met my mom. He fell in love. They actually truly enjoyed each other. My mom's relationship history was pretty shaky too. Two annulled marriages, one divorce. I think in her case her biggest regret will be me. Not having me. Just me not living to my full potential.
As I wake up every day I sometimes I think it could easily be my last day. It worries me that my legacy won't be as grand as I hoped. Then I remember all the amazing things I have done. All the amazing things I will do. All the regrets I need to not have because I'm going to get many more. Especially if I achieve the things I want. Love, children, successful career. Those will bring a whole new slew of problems. If/when I get to them I'll at least probably released my father's regrets for his spirit to soar and definitely my mother's, hopefully while she is still in mortal coil to experience it.
ADDENDUM: To detail just the hell of life. Pursuit of greatness. Having no regrets when you die. Being stressed to no end. Wishing you were dead, but knowing living is the best death. Yesterday after resisting for weeks cause I had a bad feeling I allowed the wiring people to come into our apartment to do repairs demanded by the landlords. Hours later there are holes everywhere, covered by masking tape, they didn't clean up fully, they have to come back and make MORE holes before they can patch them. On top of that, they make gouging holes, including on the very expensive irreplaceable, unfixable stucco in my kitchen. Finally, my WiFi router got shorted out when they turned off the power without a warning shot, so I was without internet for the entire day. I after various testing and tries had to go out in the pouring rain to make sure it was definitely dead and if so purchase a new one. The stores for this are not close. Staples is 3/4ths of a mile, but they didn't have what I needed in stock at reasonable price/quality. So off to Best Buy/Target another mile away... the rain even harder now. The router was completely fried, so a new one was bought and the two mile walk back home was made (resisting Brownies and then White Castle, because once again regrets vs. regrets). The receipt is going to my landlord. I'm back on the Internet. You are reading this. I am full of regret. I will not let that regret follow me to the death.
written and recorded fortherealljidol Friends and Rivals Mini-Season Topic 17-“Deathbed Regrets"
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|Friday, April 1st, 2016|
6:30 pm - Monster Love
They've been telling us that monsters are lovable for 100s of years. Monsters aren't always the dark evil creatures they appear to be. I'm sure there's parables to this in the bible, in mythology (both Greek & Roman), in Chinese legends, but I'm pretty sure the one with the most impact is Beauty & The Beast. A story that is said to go back thousands of years and has a multitude of versions. Although the ones we are most familiar are the French compilations of the fairy tales from the late 1700s. It was then that various writers including musicians and composers brought the tale of Belle and the Beast to a permanent life which would become the worldwide phenomenon that has been translated and reinterpreted so many times.|
Of course the most famous at this point is Disney's animated feature but before that and since there's been so many media adaptations you can basically build a wall of them. Jean Cocteau's classic 40's adaptation is considered a truly beautiful film. It wasn't the only film though, there have been many actually. Silent films prior to Cocteau, many TV film adaptations but some are to be noted. It was to be D-list Movie director Edward Kahn's (famous for teenage dramas and schlock sci-fi) last work from a script by equally D-list writers and it starred a bunch of no name characters actors who if you see their face you go "that person" but you don't remember their name or where you saw them. Notable was also the Cannon adaptation starring Rebecca De Mornay who at the time was famous as the girl from Risky Business. There was also a 70's TV movie where George C. Scott of all people played the Beast. Ruby-Spears Animation did their own version with a script by comics writers Steve Gerber & Martin Pasko with now legendary voice actors Robert Ridgely (Tarzan, Flash Gordon, Thundarr, and his last role ever... The Colonel James in Boogie Nights), Janet Waldo (Judy Jetson, Penelope Pitstop) and Alan Young (Wilbur of Mr. Ed and since 1989 Scrooge McDuck) voicing the main roles. A dark Z-List direct-to-video that also aired on SyFy made in Australia came out more recently. Most recently was a highly lauded new adaptation by Christophe Gans starring Vincent Cassell and Léa Seydoux. This last one from 2014 I have truly wanted to see but have not yet. Still to come is Disney tackling the tale again much like they did with a lice-action Cinderella.
On top of those movies though are the two TV series which are more truly very loosely based on Beauty and the Beast and create a cool mythos. Especially the first season of the 1987 series with Linda Hamilton and Ron Perelman. I know basically nothing about the CW show, but I hear it was actually good and will be going into a final season this summer. I should check it out.
All this talk about Beauty and the Beast was all a preface though. As fun and crazy the love between a prince turned Beast and his young sexy forced prisoner turned lover can be, the love between a monster and a child? That is some really quality stuff.
If you were a child of the 80's you knew all about My Pet Monster. The very popular toy was designed by American Greetings which means whoever really came up with is probably lost forever. Just like who the creator of Rainbow Brite, Care Bears, etc. really was. It doesn't matter though. It was a big plush doll with handcuffs. It had a cartoon produced by multiple studios. Before that though there was a movie which basically had no relation to the cartoon or the mythos of the actual toy but it was licensed by American Greetings. It tells of a young boy and his sister and a statue spell that turns the boy into a monster and a mad scientist who chases them.
Think I'm kidding? Watch it right here. It featured Alyson Court who would go on to be the sexiest Canadian clown ever (Loonette of The Big Comfy Couch... and if you think I'm crazy, go watch some of that show, Loonette is a babe), as well as Yannick Bisson (High Tide & Murdoch Mysteries) and Colin Fox (who if you aren't Canadian, you'd know best from Tommy Boy). It definitely shows that a Monster doesn't have to be a monster.
A movie that does it even better though is Howie Mandel and Fred Savage in Little Monsters. Howie Mandel is literally the Monster under the bed and he and Fred go on an adventure in monster world. It's probably one of my favorite films ever if such a list really existed. It was the idea of Rossio and Elliot who went on to concieve Small Soldiers, Pirates of the Carribean and more.
I have so much more I can say about it, but I feel it speaks best for itself. Learn what friendship is, what love really is, tat friendship is love and friends can be whoever gains your heart.
Of course there's also Pixar's Monster's Inc. which I still believe has a connection to Little Monsters as Scully looks a like the bad guy in Little Monsters.
Before I close out though I have to mention one more love story between a monster and a lovely lady. David Fincher's The Fly. That is pure love. True love. Energized love. Yet sometimes, a monster is a monster and as much as you love them, they will be monsters.
written and recorded fortherealljidol Friends and Rivals Mini-Season Topic 16-“When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it."
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|Friday, March 25th, 2016|
7:14 pm - A mass of scars-spoken word
Haphazzardly I looked at the clock. Less than hour to go, the thoughts in my brain but not on the page. I know these stories, I've told them a thousand times. Even here on in LJ Idol. I've shared photos. expereinces, how can I switch it up? How can I make it different? How can I do this and post it in quick time?|
Well here's one way... the words on the head to the page take longer than to the mouth. At least for me.
I recorded a talk. You get to hear me speak about injuries and then tangent off the way only I can, also I show my face and be genuine yet unprepared.
written and recorded fortherealljidol Friends and Rivals Mini-Season Topic 15-Just put a bandaid on it
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|Sunday, March 20th, 2016|
4:20 pm - Stuff and things.
Testing the quality of writing something within the LJ app on my Samsung phone just on case I have no choice for awhile.
My computer is dying and I don't know if it's just the hard-drive or the the video card or both or more. So I don't know what needs replacing or what that'd cost parts and labor vs. Finding a new computer of equal to better then this one in specs (pretty high specs at that for an older system.) I'm broke though so who knows.
I mean broke. Like fuck my life broke. Well okay not that broke but not buy new computer while still paying off a new cell phone broke and not having income. That kinda broke.
Anyways that's that. I can at least post to LJ from here okay, if not in a style that allows thoughts to flow best.
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|Tuesday, March 15th, 2016|
5:57 pm - Okay, Talking To You!
On a day in June 1985 Mick Jagger took a last minute flight to London. While he was 50,000 miles high in the sky David Bowie sat in Abbey Road recording tracks for the soundtrack to Julien Temple's adaptation of the second novel in Colin MacInnes' London trilogy Absolute Beginners (including the title track) ; which is a love story taking place in the summer of 1958's Notting Hill race riots. The film itself was a complete flop, but has gained a cult following since and the tracks Bowie recorded were very loved especially a cover of "Volare". Bowie's sang the original Italian version which was a huge hit in 1958 during the time period of the film. |
The plan was for Mick and David to lay down vocals and a few instrumentals for a charity track. Covering the motown song made famous by Martha and the Vandellas "Dancing in the Street". Originally they planned to do the song live at LIVE AID from two different locations, but satellite feed tests said the only way this could happen was if they lip-synched. Refusing to do this the consolation was to quickly record the song that Bob Geldof had requested and create a music video to be played on the telecast.
Live Aid was in part conceived by the former lead singer of The Boomtown Rats, most famous for the song "I Don't Like Mondays" and also for staring in Pink Floyd's The Wall. The concert was a 16 hour production from two locations designed to raise awareness and money for assistance in relieving Ethiopia's prevalent famine issue.
One may never know why this was the song Bob chose, but it was a raucous number perfect for the duo. Before them the song was recorded and released by The Mamas and the Papas, The Grateful Dead, and Van Halen. The song itself was actually co-written by Marvin Gaye who unless there's a demo never recorded the song himself.
Mick and David rewrote a few lyrics. David's bandmates played the main beats. The horn section was done in NYC. After four hours plus Mick's ego a version was recorded (which would later be over produced by a multitude of people). They dropped the version onto a tape and headed to the Drydocks to meet with long-time David Bowie video director David Mallet (who also directed I Don't Like Mondays, as well many of Queen, Joan Jett and Def Leppard's videos). Completely improvised with ideas from Bowie and Mallet they shot all night long until 5 in the morning with 2 hours of editing to get it approved, prepped and set to air on July 7th and get the charity agreement done a music video which became the ridicule of many for years came to exist.
It eventually even became a punchline of the adult animated sitcom Family Guy  which uses cutaways and awkward segue ways usually poking fun at pop-culture mostly in a cruel and demeaning manner that is not always funny and more critical of entertainment including itself.
Yet what Peter Griffin says is true. That happened, and we let it happen.
We also let Lionel Richie dance in a street. Not The Streets because he was actually on a sound stage but none the less . As an extra aside, The Cleveland Show used "All Night Long" for a bit as well. I think Seth MacFarlane secretly loves all the same music I do but isn't willing to admit so he uses it in a sarcastic manner to deflect his un-needed shame.
I have NO shame to admit I love the silliness of the video made by Bowie, Jagger and Mallet. Especially under the circumstances. They threw on clothes or just wore exactly the same clothes they had on after four hours of trying to record a cover for charity. Mick flew is specifically for it right from a plane to the studio. Bowie had already been in there for hours prior. Sleep deprived, jet lagged, exhausted, they had to finish something cause they agreed to it. They fell into that weird groove that all really good friends do.
Family Guy jokes it's the gayest music video ever made. Yet I want you to think what you'd make if you and your really good friend spent a bunch of hours arguing, singing, convalescing and trying to make something you didn't create your own and then had to make something ELSE without sleeping in between so you might have done some drugs or whatever to stay awake. I'm betting it'd be pretty fucking gay. I know from experience with my best friend and brother who unlike David and Mick have never been physically intimate and never will be it'd still be pretty "gay"... cause that's just what happens. You lose all sanity, you lose all insecurities, you just get crazy. I can just imagine Mallet from 5 AM-7AM that next day going "How the hell do I turn this into anything?!?" and realizing it was THAT or nothing and nothing was unacceptable.
Nothing isn't ALWAYS unacceptable, but something is usually better. At least something speaks to your mind at the moment, something creates a discussion, something allows more. Nothing is... well nothing. Yet, reflecting back to an earlier post, if we came from nothing, how was there ever something.
The answer? Who cares? We should go dancing in the streets.
(Numbered links are for reference for those unfamiliar with any of the songs/videos cited or to expand your experience)
written & researched fortherealljidol Friends and Rivals Mini-Season Topic 14- Dancing in the Street
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|Friday, March 11th, 2016|
1:58 pm - When Words Are Not Enough
There many sayings in life. They can be played with, switched up wrapped around. They speak of colors, minerals, natural occurences, mishaps, miracles, experieces, all wrapped up in a bundle of sentence that is supposed to reflect a situation in a hole and evoke an emotion. In ways they are as menaingless as anything else in this world and in other ways more meaningful than whatever ever truly sage and wise thing one could say. Jumbled or reverse they mean the same thing.|
I therefore think I am.
Two bushes in the hand is worth a bird.
Sometimes it's just fun to drum a bang and song a sing.
Other times it's fun to image with mess around to collage a create.
written & recorded fortherealljidol Rivals Mini-Season Topic 12- pick your poison, I went on a roll
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